HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS BOOK
His Needs, Her Needs book. Read reviews from the world's largest community for readers. Marriage works only when each spouse takes the time to consid. Time after time, His Needs, Her Needs has topped the charts as the best marriage book available. More than any other, this book helps husbands and wives. Editorial Reviews. From the Inside Flap. The Best Book on Marriage Is Better Than Ever! His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by [Harley .
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His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, , available at Book Depository with free delivery worldwide. This companion book is. Five Steps to Romantic Love: A. Workbook for a Healthy Marriage for. Readers of Love Busters and His Needs,. Her Needs. Time after time, His Needs, Her Needs has topped the charts as the best marriage book available. More than any other, this book helps.
While we are in the New Covenant, the Old sometimes sheds light on understanding. Neither the Old nor New place any blame on an innocent party in adultery. In the Old if you were guilty, you had your arse stoned, there was no namby pamby exemption for not having your selfish needs met. In conclusion, this book goes beyond bad and is just plain dangerous. The Bible itself is more a wealth of information on a good marriage. I would not recommend this book except as paper to start the grill!
View all 17 comments. View 2 comments. Sep 23, April Lyn rated it it was amazing Recommends it for: Everyone - married, divorced, or single. I thought people might have been exaggerating when they claimed this was the best marriage book they'd ever read, but this book was really something.
The author's insights are fantastic - for married, divorced, and single people alike. I thought of about five people I'd like to lend it to. I think everyone could benefit from reading it.
The appendices were also very helpful. If you plan on reading this book, start now! I put it off for a couple years because I have SO many books on my shelf, but I thought people might have been exaggerating when they claimed this was the best marriage book they'd ever read, but this book was really something.
I put it off for a couple years because I have SO many books on my shelf, but it was really, really helpful. And concerning all the negative reviews on the book, here is my opinion: Adultery is a very inflammatory subject and most if not all people cannot talk about it without becoming emotional and sometimes, irrational.
View all 3 comments. Feb 10, Justin Tapp rated it did not like it Shelves: My wife and I listened to this book together on a long car ride, where we could pause and discuss when prompted. This is the worst book on marriage that I have read, there are a host of others I would recommend above it.
While Harley claims to write from a Christian worldview, the Gospel and the meaning of marriage is completely absent from this book. That, alone, makes it ineffectual and makes me sad that it's held up by so many Christians. If you have an incorrect view of what marriage represe My wife and I listened to this book together on a long car ride, where we could pause and discuss when prompted.
If you have an incorrect view of what marriage represents, then you will also diagnose and treat conflict within the marriage incorrectly. In this book, humans are nothing more than products of biology responding to various stimuli and cognitive biases.
Therefore, this is a 2-star book at best. My understanding is much of the material of the book comes from the s, even though the first printing was and this was an updated version. Harley breaks down the basic needs of husbands and wives into five each, focusing more on the male aspects. He is a psychologist and I felt he was coming at everything from an old-school Freudian approach-- everything on the male side comes down to sexual fulfillment.
The reader is treated to the sordid details of stories of extramarital affairs, perhaps made up whole cloth by Harley. Men's needs: Sexual fulfillment 2. Recreational companionship- the wife should take an interest in doing things the husband likes-- watching football, for example.
If she tries it and really doesn't like it, she should find something else they can do together. Couples should spend "15 hours a week" of "undivided attention" on each other, doing the same things. An attractive spouse- there is very little in this book about acceptance and celebration of differences. The wife should change her weight, clothes, and hair to suit her husband.
If he doesn't find her "irresistible" he will likely have a passionate affair from which he'll never completely recover. Domestic support- The wife should not pursue a career, and if she does work household chores should be divided according to the needs of the husband. Harley had a good point here about making a list of everything that needed to be done in the house and having each partner put priorities on the item. Whoever ranks something with the highest priority gets to be responsible for that chore.
Admiration - This mostly came at the end of the book, which is a shame because respect really is ultimate to a husband and is the driver not sex behind many of the affairs Harley describes. Women's needs: Affection - Men should learn to be more affectionate.
Eggerichs would just focus on 5 above and 1 here. Conversation - women have affairs with men who will actively listen to them. Honesty and openness - Husbands should have no problem turning their schedules over to their wives, especially if they've been unfaithful.
Financial support - Men should be the breadwinners. Family commitment - Fathers should be dads, otherwise women will have affairs with other men who will raise their children better-- including relatives of the biological father. Harley writes that there should be 15 hours together with the children is that added to the 15 hours of undivided attention for the spouse as well, or do parents get out of that? I think my wife was most offended by the section where Harley tells women readers to do their hair nicely, consume fewer calories, exercise more, and consult magazine articles for tips on beauty, or else their husband will cheat on them.
Most books on marriage deal with the importance of the man fulfilling his wife's needs during daylight hours "women are ovens, men are microwaves" by being a supportive husband, this did not put as much impetus on the man.
It's up to the woman to respond to her husband's wants, no matter what. There is no grace in this book, no acceptance of your spouse as a spiritual creature with a history and a brain, no dealing with expectations or letting go of them and preconceived notions of marital bliss, and no growing together to be like Christ. Your wife is a biological partner you can have fun with, nothing more. While he strongly cautions against divorce, he is pretty flippant in saying sometimes these things just don't work out.
Read this book if you're not a Christian but want a step-by-step how-to guide to fix your marriage as though it were a piece of IKEA furniture. View 1 comment.
Feb 01, Jana Allen rated it did not like it. I liked the overall point this book made. Everyone has emotional needs, and we should try to meet the needs of our spouse. The problem I have with this book is that I felt the author justifies especially men going and having an affair because their needs were not being met. He makes no exceptions for sicknesses, going back to school, or just hard times. I felt he was especially hard on women saying they need to look just like their husbands want hair style, perfect makeup, ideal weight, clothi I liked the overall point this book made.
I felt he was especially hard on women saying they need to look just like their husbands want hair style, perfect makeup, ideal weight, clothing styles and that they need to be available WHENEVER their husband is feeling intimate. He also says that spouses should not pursue any recreational activities without each other.
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
I tried to keep in mind that this author sees a lot of extreme situations and marriages that were on the rocks. I really wanted to like this book, and I did like it in theory, but it was too extreme for me and the author kept making me so mad!
View all 6 comments. Mar 20, imane rated it it was amazing. Jan 01, Hoku Ho rated it it was amazing Recommends it for: Any married couple, but especially those in need of help. This book the cornerstone of my marriage. My husband and I read it early on and I really feel that it was the secret to our success and smooth sailing through the rough patches and growing pains we faced in our first few years.
It helps couples put their fingers on their own needs and the needs of their spouses, and gives you a common language and understanding to draw from, which vastly improves your ability to communicate about these important issues. The sub-text of the title of this book is " This book the cornerstone of my marriage.
The sub-text of the title of this book is "how to affair proof your marriage". It really does deliver on this I know he is not the only person who has found it useful in that way.
It does have some Christian references and the author is a Christian himself, but the book is not a "Christian book", so Christians and non-Christians alike will find this book useful.
I really recommend it for any married couple or couple on the verge of marriage. It is very practical, well researched, and with a little work and compromise easily implementable. It's principals have guided my marriage and helped my husband and I make it to our 8th year and beyond more in love with each other than ever!
May 02, Andrea rated it it was ok Shelves: I changed this from 3 stars to 2 stars after thinking about it overnight. First of all, this book is obviously written by a man! Secondly, the book definitely uses fear and negativity throughout the chapters. I understand that probably every family that deals with a cheating spouse never thought it would happen to them, but I don't think that it is as common as the author makes it out to be, and even I changed this from 3 stars to 2 stars after thinking about it overnight.
I understand that probably every family that deals with a cheating spouse never thought it would happen to them, but I don't think that it is as common as the author makes it out to be, and even if it is, I don't think it's necessary to continually use guilt and scare tactics to make the reader feel insecure.
Third, the author uses modern ideas of beauty in his chapter on physical appearance. Men should appreciate a woman's natural beauty. A woman shouldn't have to put chemicals on her face, on her skin, or in her hair to keep her husband from cheating on her. It wasn't so long ago that makeup, hair dyes, and trendy hair and clothes were not beautiful to American men and women.
Prostitutes were the ones wearing makeup and dying their hair. Now the typical American's idea of a beautiful woman is very thin, tan, wearing makeup, and highlighted hair.
It is just a phase and women shouldn't feel forced to take place in that just to make a man happy. There is always going to be someone prettier that your husband comes into contact with to put more "love units" into his "bank. There are some positive ideas in the book. His advice about affection and mutual activities are very helpful. It is also helpful to know that men and women have different needs and that it may be uncomfortable, but trying to meet some of those needs will be helpful in your marriage.
Jan 07, Doaa Aboelsoud rated it it was amazing. View all 4 comments. Jul 26, Tim rated it did not like it. This book is terrible. Unlike many good marriage books out there that encourage you to look beyond your selfishness, this book plunges you into selfish behavior.
If you focus on your unmet marriage needs, trust me your marriage is not going to get better. In full disclosure, I read this book 5 years ago and thought it correct at the time. It nearly ended my marriage as I basically came to the place that my marriage could n This book is terrible. It nearly ended my marriage as I basically came to the place that my marriage could not meet my needs. I gave this book to a friend, it did end his marriage.
I feel so badly about giving this book to him. Mar 09, Isaac rated it it was amazing. Jun 19, Lori Kellogg rated it did not like it. Bunch of bunk. Don't waste your time. If a spouse is a cheater, they are a cheater. If they are not a cheater, it doesn't matter what the other spouse does or does not do, they won't cheat. Take a page from the newspaper Arnold, Tiger, Brad Pitt, Weiner Will be buying this one to read every christmas break.
It's a great way to start a fresh year and I would do well to be reminded of the concepts in here frequently. Jul 07, Katie Mccarthy rated it it was amazing. My husband and I read this before we married and at each anniversary we go back over how we are each doing with the needs. At least for us, this book has been a God-send. People willing to work to improve their marriage. This book is largely about preventing or recovering from an affair.
Lest you say that this doesn't apply to "me", he points out that a person even a person with solid religious belief, and firm moral conviction may be tempted into an affair, seduced by a "relationship built upon fantasy, not reality.
It is also well written. Now, on to the basics of the bo This book is largely about preventing or recovering from an affair. Now, on to the basics of the book: Recreational companionship 3.
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An attractive spouse 4. Domestic support 5. Admiration" Page 12 He writes "tend to be" because this is what he typically finds. To determine your preferences and those of your spouse, there is a questionnaire at the back, and if that isn't enough, more are available at his web site. Affection 2. Conversation 3.
Honesty and openness 4. Financial Support 5. Family commitment" Page 13 "The first cause of conflict, failure to care and the second , failure to protect.
This book addresses the failure to care - the failure to meet each other's most important emotional needs. Overcoming the Habits that Destroy Romantic Live. Page Chapters 1.
How Affair Proof is Your Marriage? How to Survive an Affair From Incompatible to Irresistible Appendix: Analysis of Emotional Needs Questionnaires His web site is a lot more than the typical advertisement. There is a lot of meat on this site. This page describe the love bank concept. Wow, no point in me trying to write much of a summary. Here it is: Nov 26, Katie Hoffman rated it did not like it. Some family member gave this to us as a wedding present and I eventually got around to reading it, mostly because I like reading about interpersonal communication and relationships ie, Gottman.
At the beginning, I thought the author had some credibility and somewhat simple decent advice but my view changed with each chapter. In sum, the advice centers on gender stereotyping a whole chapter on all the things women should do to be physically attractive, including tips on getting professional Some family member gave this to us as a wedding present and I eventually got around to reading it, mostly because I like reading about interpersonal communication and relationships ie, Gottman.
In sum, the advice centers on gender stereotyping a whole chapter on all the things women should do to be physically attractive, including tips on getting professional help with makeup and buying sexy nighties and overly simplistic cause-and-effect examples that foster fear and self-blame if your spouse cheats, YOU didn't meet their needs I found these issues to be glaring and finally felt like the author really valued a 's sitcom marriage. Although the author occasionally introduces caveats, he structures the whole book as which needs men have and which needs women have.
Then he says that some men have the "her" needs he talks about and some women have the "his" needs he talks about There was hardly any science, research, or theory behind any of his advice, just hyperbolized examples from his practice suggesting he built his approach independent of an entire field of counseling research and theory. The book offers simplistic general advice if you don't have strong self reflection on needs or strong communication but if you are a feminist, appreciator of claims backed by objective support, or living in a more modern and equal relationship, you will find yourself frustrated with the approach the whole time you read rather than focusing on how to help your relationship.
Men tend to try to meet needs that they would value and women do the same. But the needs of men and women are often very different and by wasting effort trying to meet the wrong needs, a couple fails to make each other happy.
When a spouse lacks fulfillment of any of the basic needs, it creates a thirst that must be quenched. An affair usually begins as a friendship. The couple that plays together stays together. Men need recreation in their life to keep going. A woman needs to appreciate her husband for what he already is, not for what he could become if he lived up to her standards.
Transparency is one of the most important qualities in a successful marriage. Disrespect prevents couples from finding mutually agreeable solutions to their problems. If your spouse considers what you say to be disrespectful, it is. Negotiation between a husband and wife is an essential building block to the success of any marriage, but without honesty and openness a couple can resolve or decide very little.
To have any value, praise must genuinely reflect your feelings. Happily married couples are already aware of this principle and have learned how to make their marriage a full-time priority. Spouses who are partners in life check with each other throughout the day to coordinate their decisions and activities. Dec 06, Raja rated it really liked it. Sep 22, Beth rated it it was amazing.
Really great book with so many tips and principles for strengthening your marriage. Highly recommended. Jul 13, Crystal rated it it was amazing Recommends it for: This is the best book on marriage, and making a marriage work, and work well, that I have ever read. Willard Harley points out the common fundamental differences between mens' and womens' needs and talks about how ignorance of these needs can lead to your partner finding someone, intentionally or not, who CAN fill the unfilled need s.
Discussing the good, the bad and ugly events of the day is something you should consider an important way to end your day. Your partner will love this, as you both make it a daily routine. This will help you both look at things together and strengthen each other as you put them in proper perspective. An area of his needs, her needs will certainly be satisfied as you practice this. Do it today! Happy Marriage Tip 5: His Needs Her Needs - satisfied by Embracing Your Differences They say it is usually the unique traits of your partner that attracted you to them at first, that ends up driving you crazy.
Now, that does not have to be the case when we learn to embrace their differences, love those differences and express our appreciation of the fact that he or her is different in that way from us, and that we are not embarassed and never will be ashamed or put down by their uniqueness. It could be the way they laugh, walk, talk or react to situations. Now, this is not referring to say, dressing in a provocative manner in public or some extreme situation that is a product of immaturity.
A sense of security is established in their heart, knowing you have fully embraced who they are and have no plans of getting them to change or else. This sense of security is definitely among his needs, or her needs, especially for the ladies; this is certainly one of her needs.
You need to give that assurance of security. Admiring his or her differences can help your marriage relationship remain interesting.
His Needs, Her Needs
Honestly, you are really beginning to love your spouse when he or she does something that is way difference from your style, and you love them for it. Think about it. Just that additional degree makes all of the difference. Similarly, just a little more of something, sometimes makes a lot of impact. It could be a simple touch, such as a gentle squeeze of a shoulder or arm as you pass by your mate. This will usually be well appreciated, as it conveys a meaningful message of love and caring.
Do this sometimes, and you will be satisfying one of his needs, her needs. Something else that could have that same extra-degree-effect and meet one other of his needs, her needs, can be simply expressing appreciation for a kind, selfless gesture done, such as, when he opens your door, or when he or she hands you a plate, or similar acts of kindness. These gestures should be followed with a kind word of appreciation, which shows we notice and appreciate the little things, and that speaks volumes of our sense of respect and politeness.
And since this is a marriage relationship, where there are no hidden agendas, receiving and giving compliments should be done freely. Happy Marriage Tip 7: His Needs Her Needs: Respect and Love For a man, respect is the most important thing he values and for a woman, love is the most important thing to her.
And so, if a man senses his wife was being disrespectful, he will react in an unloving matter. On the other hand, when a woman senses her husband has just acted unloving, she will react in a disrespectful manner. And the cycle continues.
I strongly believe that when you speak a man's primary love language, he senses respect or sees it as respecting him. The same goes a for lady; when you speak her primary love language, she senses that as love.
So for the man, when you sense disrespect from your wife, as yourself the question, "did I just act in an unloving way? And for the lady, when you feel your husband acted unloving, ask yourself, "did I just act disrespectfully?
Asking yourself these questions, and answering them will help you identify those little things that can lead to conflict, and start learning to avoid them. Now, to break the cycle mentioned above, you will have to go out of your way to respond differently. Men, you will have to respond lovingly even after sensing disrespect and women, you will have to respond respecfully, even after sensing an unloving attitude.
This will end the cycle and get the respect and love flowing again. As you do this today, you will be undoubtedly meeting his needs, her needs. Honestly, when they walk into a room, you can feel the depression or despondency. Now, on the other hand, when a person who tends to be appreciative, hopeful and confident about the future or the success of something, walks into the room, you feel your spirit or confidence raised by their presence.
Both of these feelings are brought back to one's mind long after the person leaves the room. So the food for thought is, which of the two are we: The voice of discouragement or the uplifter of the lives of others?
If we are not at the place we would so much like to be, in the words of H.Do this next time. It should become a staple in every house. Giving a shot at something new together such as, learning how to play a game like table tennis a. Also, you can find the His Needs Her Needs audio mp3 download here. It is also helpful to know that men and women have different needs and that it may be uncomfortable, but trying to meet some of those needs will be helpful in your marriage.
It is a quite remarkable fact, that water, at degrees is simply hot, but at degrees boils. This will usually be well appreciated, as it conveys a meaningful message of love and caring. I strongly believe that when you speak a man's primary love language, he senses respect or sees it as respecting him. Negative Argument 2: